Bad Tempered...

Today...back from cyberjaya MMU, reach home around 9.15pm after havin dinner wit jim n miao.
hmm...i hav no idea y i am so bad tempered. Mayb pressure...mayb, i cant get wat i wanted. i hav no idea.
i just felt totally v.v.v. bad, v.v. angry, v.v. frustrated. its like...everything is not under my control anymore. its like, i am capable of doin nothing good no more. i suck like shit. tats wat i felt.
Confidence in me just com

e and go. and i hav no idea why is that happening. wat hav i done wrong? that make me...such a loser recently? i dont understand wat the lecturer is lecturing during lecture classes, and i hav no idea wat will i get for the coming final. v.v. scared of it. if i ever to fail again, gosh, i dare not think wat will happen to me.
 
Lost of motivation and Target.... AGAIN!!! hav no idea wat am i doin, its like...i am letting myself go again... i am letting myself stepping deeper and deeper into a quicksand... nv gonna c the sunlight again...no more. bye bye.
 
How come this is happening? it really scares me... but, there wasn't any determination or dignity to change. wat happen to me? wat happen? i always look forward to ppl who live a real good life, rich spiritually, mentally. i look forward to ppl who went overseas...study, experience a total different culture, total different life. and come back to tell the tale. 
 
There are sometimes, somethings tat i wanted to do, that i cant' do. No example given, i kept it to myself. just that, there r something, that i wanted so hardly, n GOD DAMNIT i just cant get it. and there r ppl who, wanted something, and they get it. Just as simple as easy as that. Some that money can buy...which i DAMNIT dun hav. some...money cant buy... which i am ok coz its...faith. Hell!!! since when i believe in such stupid thing!! faith....arrr!!!
 
Y... y i am held back to do something by so many factors?? y can t i...just dun giv a damn on those stupid stuff and just do the things i wanted to do sometimes??
what hav i done wrong?? i did not kill anyone. i did not robbed anyone. i am a good guy.....er...lets let other to judge it.
 
but, i really hope, someday, i can do somethign like my heart tells...freely, and can success in something that i do. its been....... so so so long time, since the time i taste the sweetness of....SUCCESS....real long time.  i miss that feelin so so much. ARR DAMNIT!!!
when will that sweetness b tasted again...??
when??
tell me...tell me.....
 
P/S: special apology to my parents and my younger brother, for, my bad tempered, and rude attitude just now. Was too underpressure.

 

Morning Worst... Noon Ok... Evening Just Smillin Away.

Today...this day....this morning!!! Arrrrhhh!!! i woke up late, 20 minutes late for CK2 lab. oh gosh!!! then, rush to campus...its already 9.35am. late!!! the dear Dr. Tan Ai Hui dun allow me to do the lab though i try to persue her for a chance. she ask me to replace on 3/8/2004.no choice, i can only agree. back at my condo, felt totally bad... face black black. 11.15am, laying on my bed, half sleep half awake until 12 something, then woke up n went for 1 oclock class.
stil felt not good. moody...
sit in the class...listen to the lecturer talking... copying solutions for examples... then, ended up in library copying assignment. GUILTY!!! then went for lunch wit darren, NASI GORENG KEBAB. quite nice.yeah! later,  went library, sit there n read news papers. talk alot of crap wit darren. 
 
Finally, went for tutorial class. Its Dr. Praba's Electromagnetic Theory class. He announced before the class that this is his last class, for he will be leaving MMU after this week. I was sad to hear that. he was such a good lecturer, and a good guy. i will sure miss him.though he like to skip class, but, he can conduct a class much much better then some malay or chinese lecturers that claim they r good themselves...ohhhman!! wat ever!! 
 
anyway, wanna take this opportunity here to say, Thank you Dr. Praba, for everything! Best Wishes!!! Its really MMU's waste to let a good lecturer go. SoLuTe To Dr. Praba!!! thank you for ur contribution!
 
then when i am after the class...i felt total relief.... thats y i am so happy after tat. so my mood turns good, n i am smillin away. hopefully tml i can get myself to er.... street mall tml to post wat i promise to post. the mail i mean.
 
well, tats all la. ....... lazy to write d =P

King Arthur...

today, was a saturday. went pyramid wit 5 frens of mine from my hometown.
1, qian jun, my so good old fren...old until i can help her clean her teeth using tooth pic
2, re chuan, studyin in aus, back for holiday, superb happy gal wit totally nice personality, outgoing n strong!!
3, zhan wei, my good old pal leaving for japan for architecture on october. asian scholarship. v. brilliant guy!!
4, yee xuan, small size gal, nice, daughter of 2 teachers, nice, leaving for NUS on august...s'pore
5,kwong choon, my roommate in cyberjaya.
 
3 of them watch spiderman 2, 3 of us.. (me, kwong choon, qian jun) watch King Arthur.
1 word to describe it. SUPERB!!! really a nice movie. i giv it a high high rank.
 
the 1st scene i watch, i knew...its worth my ticket price. the background music is just awesome!!! the usage of mass Brass instrument, really brought out the feel of the whole movie. even v. simple shot, together wit the sound effect and the music, brought out a v stunning effect. plus, the story line is good, actor's characteristic is clear... Keira Knightley was a total beauty!!!
Fighting scene... was good. Touching movie, of companionship, loyalty, believe, trust among each others, and FREEDOM...
 
it took me 10 minutes after the movie... for myself to... talk normally.haha
nice movies!! really should go c!!!
 
tats all
tell u more next time...muahaha!!!

 
 

In d Lab.... In d Lab....

n here i am..in the lab, wit nothing to do. its raining outside, and, my day is ruin by the late wakeup of myself. ahr man!!! Miss out one tutorial class. Thanks to the late sleep last nite. Regrets la...shouldn't hav done this. Its totally not rite...

Recently i hav a dream.......... i dream of... havin...3 million to spend.
but,today i woke myself up n tell my self tat i dont hav that amount of money!! so, i started to do something else. i started to...be nice n smile.
ok, i am crapping, but until now, the 2 gals tat i come across...i've already praise them for their charming n beautiness.


arrr...wat the hack am i typing. ya know, sometimes, i felt tat, as we grow elder...we somehow tend to, b more protective of ourselves. yeah...protective. nv really tot of htis question, but tat day when i went out wit my cool fren, she told me this.
n this stuff...relates to another matter...which is no other then the LOVE!!!
tats wat she say - "i've seen so many couples...get together..but the guy,was too playboy,n they tend to go for other gals eventhough they had one by their side d. i c them gettin 2gether,breaking up. how could i really trust a guy? n i wont go for any guys jsut bcoz i am single, lonely or desperate,n others arent like me.it makes me felt...cheap. who knows...mayb seein to much of this kinda example, i tend to b more protective bout myself." i noded as she said so.

it true ya know, as we go on, we notice...so many bad things happen in this world. when we r small, young n wild, we r happy. We nv realize how bad this world is turninng into, how wicket man's heart can be. and now, tat we r mature n grown up, we know... wat we this world is. we bcome more protective, we bcome more careful. we bcome less happy, n less happy...

Much depends on how we actually look at this world. but the news through the papers...really scared alot of people. n kids cant hav their happy childhood. n ladies walk alone will felt total horror... and man walk alone, will felt uncomfortable. who knows...where n when, we will b rob? killed? knocked down by a crazy driver? rape by a insane psycho,kidnapped by kidnappers...or head got cut off by terrorist. we nv know... sadly...we nv know. Big cities in malaysia...often seen through news papers..not coz of their glorious, modern lifestyle n society, but for their accidents, criminal cases...and that really scared the freak out of a certain people. certain people like me.

tats y, like always, i prefer goin to more pure n unpolluted places for a trip or holiday.KL?? no thanks. dislike the culture there. gives ppl the feelin of...MONEY ORIENTED.... totally personal point of view... no offence k~ yet this is the fact
this is the capital of malaysia. there r times when we r forced to go to these places for certain reason. n we live wit it. =)

hmmm....stil in lab...playin pool wit ewe...sien oo~!!!

Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday...

Saturday, 10/7/2004
well, today quite special. i attended a fren's sister's wedding. tat was morning. afternoon, call some1. v. nice..hehe...spend the noon wit family also. happy~~ then nite, went out wit a v. cool fren of mine. we talk alot... for 1 hour n 15 minutes.just the 2 of us... chattin things tat r from our heart. v. nice to hear from her again. n so, 2 aquarius talk alot abuot everything.
yeah~~

sunday, 11/7/2004
today, woke up, went morning market wit mum n dad...n brother n sister... wah! whole family went pasar together. hoho... =P boring ma. v. happy also. noon went back to cyberjaya..n started my study again for tuesday's exam

Monday, 12/7/2004
Just another manic monday. always makes ppl... feels bad. y sunday hav to go? y monday hav to come?
tats y....... i love saturday the most~~~ yeah baby!! at nite, totally got no mood to study. so me n housemates...were crapping n playin cards. wow~~~ crazy ei!!!

Tuesday 13/7/2004
Today, woke up, skip all classes.
Nite, exam, sucks like hell~!!! then Gunbound for a few hours... then.....duno wat the hack i do. n the time is now 5.10am.imagine!! gosh

wednesday.... 14/7/2004
its 5.10 now......... wat else i need to do? oh ya.....sleep
tml stil hav class for me
good luck for u n me n he n she!~!!!!!

And so.... there is no title for this blog.

well, like always... this is the time for me to write a blog of my own. Like always, its again, late at nite...i am all alone, its so quiet, n lonely. It seems like the world had turn its back on me.

4/7/2004, 1.46am. It has been 23 days n 9 hours n 8 minutes since the person who meant alot to me, had left to persue her dreams. as for me, i had set a dream for myself... and i hope i can grab it. Love is such a strange n funny thing. hmmm...

can anyone tell me, isit really so bad if i go after a gal who already had a bf or some1 is already after her??

Life recently is...such bz, n bz. each day passes, faster then i can ever imagine.
Everyday, went campus in d morning, then spend time in library duno do wat... until evening only i am back to my condo.Experiencing the life of a nerd, i felt that they will not hav time for the stuffs below.

1. To Love
2. To Chat
3. To Write Blog
4. To Enjoy the life of Campus
5. They usually move alone.
6. They just seem v. boring.
7. Play Games.

arrr...who cares how they live. what i care is how i live. and my life, is bz. n pressure. n there's only 1 thing tat leads me to this. My target, my dream. I dun wanna be a failure anymore. Wat i want, is to smile confidently every day n nite again.

went swimming just now. found out that... i can stil swim...wah...happy~~ luckily i can stil swim though i am putting up weight again. but, there are some movements tat i cant do anymore. like leg streching, n continous running around the park at my home town for more then 3 round.

Money management comes in handy recently. Tryin to save as much money as possible. n it seems to b working abit. Lately been always desiring to go out for tea at MAMAK wit frens, or go hav a drink at somewhere n just sit there for a afternoon or nite, n think of wat ever i will think. It would be nice. But some how i stil cant do tat yet. duno y.

Tot this weekend i would hav a really damn nice trip in Port Dickson, who knows, last minute cancelled. dissapointing. I even brought a hawaii feel shirt, preparing to wear during the PD trip. anyway, wat ever.

Just now i was singing on my fren's bed. i sang so happily i even forget my fren were in the room. he took the digicam n took my funny looking singing look. Yet, i dun care. i just keep on singing. after tat i felt totally happy. But the happiness didn't last for long. Now, the thing that went through me...is just pressure....stress...n pressure...n stress...n pressure...n stress...

To tell the truth, i love exams...but i hate the exam outcome, which is the stupid RESULT!!!

Anyway, i felt that i am running myself out of anything tat is related to love, wat i mean is, Love, the love, tat includes admire, attracted, wat ever... its the love among couples. I somehow kick it to somewhere...n i cant find it now. hmm.

I miss some1 ... but often i myself don't know who i should b missing.

My fren Jimmy said tat next time when he hav band training wit his gang, he wan me 2 b in to play some keyboard. I nv play wit a band, and i nv dare to think wat will b the outcome. Stil wondering whether i should bring my keyboard here so tat i can play everyday. hmm.

Someone recently intro me to invest an amount of RM 2500 in a bizness... something like Pyramid Scheme. i just refused it. How on earth do i find the rm 2.5 k out for it? no idea.

Alone, oh ya. now aways, almost each and everyday, i went to campus on my own. i loiter around the campus on my own. N i went to library n sit alone to study alone, and sometimes i went to the Cafe to sit down and hav a drink, n look at those NERDS walking here n there alone. Since it is so alone... i might as well just alone n alone n alone n alone *gone insane alone*......

Come wat may... too many things are out of my reach, out of my control. I dream day and nite of having 3 things. 1 = good reputation n result. 2 = some1 3 = BMW M3.
But, good repu n result...always din get to reach me. for i always trip and fall b4 my hand can ever reached it.That particular someone, which here refering to more then 1 person, those tat fly flew away. those tat hav a home sticked to tat home n forever hope to b happy. those tat is chased by prince charming, so inbriated in the process of chasing n hiding. BMW M3...hahaha. even v. rich man will not simply buy a car tat worth half a million or more n make the money walk all around the free way rite~~~!!!! so, jsut a dream.

always wanted to...love some1. but, don't know y now all tat is in my mind, is just...to not love anyone, and to focus on something tat can raise my reputation n results. y... pitty life, ei~?

sometimes i miss piano much. Like now, i really miss the piano at home, it had accompany me to go through alot of highs and lows... when i am happy, my finger do dancing on it. when i am sad, my fingers play the sound of sorrow in me. when i am mad, a war drum begun to sound. Ahh..my piano~~ how i miss it. but, sometimes when i am sitting infront of it, and i wanted to play it, wat is in my mind just cant b played and expressed like i think it could. is my feelin gettin complicated? or is my skills of playin decreasing......? God knows...huh!

Deep inside my heart, theres 1 person there.That person, if u r the one, u wil know tat i am talking bout u. Take good care of urself. Had a great time n b happy always. My best wishes are always reserved for you. U know how much u meant to me, how much i care for u. =) oh...wat ever!!!

Deep inside my mind, there r 1 angel n 1 darevel. this 2 "thing" played an important role for my decision making, personality establishment, and many many more. But always, i was hold back coz of the fight btw this 2 thing tat had no winners. If only i can b more determine, more firm in wat i decide, in wat i plan, n then carry out bravely, confidently. Then, there should b not so many regrets in my life... at least recently... really got a few regrets tat nearly make me gone INSANE.

Boa - Everyheart is playin on my Winamp now. Felt totally tired. Eyes r almost closing. but heart stil dun felt like sleepin. Everynite i am like...waiting for some1. who? i hav no idea...hmm...
mayb i am jsut used to ...not sleeping.

ok...then tats it for this crappy blog. hav no idea wat i wrote!!! gosh...wat a mess!!!

Best wishes to myself on Wednesday's Exam. Best wishes to me on next tuesday's Exam. Peace 2 the world!!!