我近来常去打球。。。因为,我要瘦一点。因为我知道有她每天都在运动,我。。。我太胖了。
我近来有的没的都爱拿起吉他练习一些新东西,因为我知道她的音乐水准很高很高,就算我不能达到那水准,至少为自己增值少少。
我近来常常看着YM里的名字,看看她是否有把心情写在status里,看看她是否有空,可以谈天或是什么的。。。
我近来还真是有很多的想法在脑海里。。。但。。。重现在开始,我不想再想了。
我好像是为了要讨好她,而令自己进步。但这种想法是错的。进步,不是为了别人。而是为了自己。
几个月前,我不小心喜欢上了一个我觉得真的是非常棒的女生。她笑起来很可爱。而且,谈的一手很好很好的钢琴。为人有十分善良。对她的爱慕指数简直就是在顷刻间飙升到最高点。爱看她笑,因为她的一个笑,可以让我一整天都快乐起来,觉得世界很美好。她的一个笑,却是我快乐的理由。爱看她弹钢琴,那种神韵,那种表情,十分可爱,十分投入,十分有气质。
很可惜,这种单纯的爱慕感觉并没有维持很久。
曾几何时开始,慢慢的我很想更了解她。刻意找机会约她出来(虽然没有成功过),刻意出席某些她会出席的活动。。。为的,只是想见到她。在学校走着走着,总希望可以看见她的倩影。。。有时觉得,一切可能太刻意了。太做作,太有目的了。好像失去了那单纯的感觉。好像要骗人似的。单纯的爱慕,却变质了。变得像要拥有,占有。
刚才,我在十秒钟内做了两个决定。当我知道她在聚会,我简直就想飞奔过去。。。我立刻打电话给锦辉,要他帮个忙载我过去。但,在盖下电话后,我立刻后悔自己的决定。为什么我明明自己不得空,需要准备明天的lab,但为了她我要去。。。???太做作了吧?我不清楚。我只觉得这样好象失去自己。没有人会喜欢或看得起一个没有自我的人。我相信她也是。做不回自己,要如何让别人看得起眼?
或许我的想法有错。或许当你想要更深入了解一个人,你就该做些牺牲,花些时间去了解,去参与一些她也参与的事情,做一些她平时也爱做的事情。但是,怎的我左想右想都觉得不妥?怎么不妥,我却说不出来。。。
那十秒钟,我从非常冲动决定要过去,到我再次举起电话个锦辉说我不去,也不过是短短的十秒。变化却是如此两极。那十秒,我失去自我。。。
过后我在懊恼,不明白为什么如此犹豫不决,如此拖泥带水。到底是什么让我这么不潇洒,这么不果断。到底我自己想要什么?
不晓得。我只想。。。可以和她多聊些,多了解彼此。这样其实也很难。我都有一个超级大毛病。我的Timing是出了名的差。总是在不对的时候做了些不对的事。
唉。。。~~~怎办,快要大考了。这回过不过得了关都成问题。真糟糕!怎的又让自己跌入一个这么难堪的状况?要专心啊。。。专心!
有人说过,专心的男人最帅。。。
我说。。。提升自己,让自己进步,为自己进步。
因为,有人说过,男人一定要有上进心,才像个男人。
我却是轻佻浮夸之徒。。。没有一点成熟和稳重(体重不算)
有人说过,男人要成熟稳重有上进心有大志,才像个男人。没有钱不要紧,但不能没有志气。。。
怎么那么多“有人说过“。。。???
这篇心情看来很Desperate,我不想再写下去。我要睡觉了。
我不是Desperate。我是Confused...
我怎么在为自己找excuse...???
-end-
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Friday, April 7, 2006
Long time....its been really Long Time....
Its been really a long time since the last time i wrote something related to myself here in my BLOG. i started writting when few does, and stop for long when everyone is doin it. I got the Ego...don't felt like doin wat everyone is doin. Trying to be outstanding, be unique. Its hard. Really hard....
I looked back at the blogs i wrote few months ago.... surprisingly knowing how patience i am, sitting infront of the computer just typing a blog tat is like wat...700 words long or more... now, i am so lazy tat, even no0w i am typing wit my eyes closed. Partly, of course is bcoz i am sleepy d. That is when my mind start thinking of stuff... b4 i sleep.
Winamp now playing songs from the 80s and 90s, a chinese band call "You Ke Li Lin"... call me lame, but late nites...i do like to listen to their songs. Just like once in a while, i like to listen to Lighthouse Family's Songs. Their songs just can suit ur mood in the middle of a cozzy, lonely calm nite.
Actually, theres alot tat i wanted to write tonite. But this blog should b something tat is... viewable, readable to others. And wat i wanted to write...might b something tat is not so suitable for everyone to read. I wanted to make some promises to myself, and to all the readers tat happen to read my blog. But, i am afraid ppl will say i only tok crap...or... just giving some empty promises here. So, its better if i just keep my mouth shut here......??? i am not sur.
Just felt like wana write somethign here, since recently, everyone is writting something...
Ok lo...tats all. I hav no idea wat i had writen. Pls forgive me.
Peace up!!
I looked back at the blogs i wrote few months ago.... surprisingly knowing how patience i am, sitting infront of the computer just typing a blog tat is like wat...700 words long or more... now, i am so lazy tat, even no0w i am typing wit my eyes closed. Partly, of course is bcoz i am sleepy d. That is when my mind start thinking of stuff... b4 i sleep.
Winamp now playing songs from the 80s and 90s, a chinese band call "You Ke Li Lin"... call me lame, but late nites...i do like to listen to their songs. Just like once in a while, i like to listen to Lighthouse Family's Songs. Their songs just can suit ur mood in the middle of a cozzy, lonely calm nite.
Actually, theres alot tat i wanted to write tonite. But this blog should b something tat is... viewable, readable to others. And wat i wanted to write...might b something tat is not so suitable for everyone to read. I wanted to make some promises to myself, and to all the readers tat happen to read my blog. But, i am afraid ppl will say i only tok crap...or... just giving some empty promises here. So, its better if i just keep my mouth shut here......??? i am not sur.
Just felt like wana write somethign here, since recently, everyone is writting something...
Ok lo...tats all. I hav no idea wat i had writen. Pls forgive me.
Peace up!!
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